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10/04/05 10:35:01 - Chemo

Aren started chemotherapy this morning, and Iím over 2,000 miles away. Itís killing me.
The doctors said that he probably wonít experience the nausea until two or three hours after heís finished (which will actually be any minute now). His absolute neutrophil count (ANC Ė white blood cell count) wonít actually reach zero until after the transplant takes place. Likewise, he probably wonít experience the worst side effects of chemotherapy until about that time, anyway.

Of course, Iím getting all of this second hand from MaryBeth, who is the one who is able to actually be there throughout this whole ordeal. I suppose itís not so bad, Iíve actually arranged to be there all of next week, which will (hopefully) be the worst of his time. I wish I could be there more, but we have to deal with that whole ďpaying billsĒ thing, so itís rather impractical. I know that itís extremely hard for MaryBeth to be with him all the time in the hospital, not to mention how hard it is for Aren. Itís still difficult for me.

Just before Lily died, I decided to go home to be with Aren. I think I made the right decision Ė Aren needed someone just as much as Lily did, if not more Ė but there will always be a little question, a twinge of pain whenever I think about her death. Did she miss me in her last moments? Did she feel like I abandoned her? Iíll always wonder. Now, I feel like Iím being forced to be away from Aren. I wish I could console myself by saying that Iím doing it for someone else who needs me even more, but I canít. Itís just hard being away from them right now.

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