03/04/05 10:27:00 - March 4, 2005

Today was a bit tough. I think we were all missing Lily more than usual. Aren has been falling asleep in my bed lately, but tonight he asked MaryBeth to put Lilyís picture on the pillow next to him. He did this not only so ďshe wonít have to be alone,Ē but so that she could watch him, too. Itís really difficult, sometimes.
Last night I dreamed that we had another baby, another girl. She was only two or three months old, but she looked exactly like Lily. She even had her mannerisms. It kills me that so often I pray to dream about Lil, because that is the only way Iíll ever be able to hold her again. Well, for the rest of my mortal life, probably. It just hurts.

I found myself grieving tonight for another reason. Itís not only the fact that I canít hold her and play with her. Itís all of the other things that I should have been able to do with her and watch her go through. Iíll never see her in love. Iíll never see her succeed. Iíll never see her fail. Iíll never see her learn to ride a bike or read a book. I wonít see her baptized or married. I wonít hear her sing or laugh.

It just seems so unfair. I know we arenít the only ones ever to lose a child, but somehow that knowledge doesnít really help. All I can do is hope that Iíll come away from this with something more than a dull ache that lasts the rest of my life, flaring up into an unbearable pain at random times. While I have hope that the grave will lose its victory, I can definitely feel deathís sting. I feel it nearly every day. And it really is like a physical wound that never quite healed. It may not hurt all the time; it may even feel okay sometimes. But itís almost always there, at the edge of my awareness, waiting to leap painfully into my consciousness if I make the slightest misstep, move the wrong way, see the wrong picture or object or person at the wrong time.

Possibly the hardest thing of all is the fact that the idea of having the pain cured or forgotten is even more painful that the loss itself.


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